What's the Problem, Where Do I Get Help? A Guide for Parents of Teenagers

Last updated: 03 January 2003

Parent-teenager problem

Being the parent of a teenager can be challenging and interesting. It's also difficult sometimes - and it's usual to encounter problems. Whatever the problem you and your teenager are experiencing, you have at least one thing in common; you're both dealing with tremendous changes. Part of coping with these changes is remembering that there are no perfect parents or teenagers, and that the problems you and your teenager face are probably fairly common. You won't have all the answers to problems ahead of time, but there are ways for you to deal with situations and find solutions.

Be a parent, not a peer

Often it seems that it doesn't matter what parents do, according to our teenager, we're always in the wrong. This is because most teenagers feel a need to see their parents as different from themselves and their friends. Let's face it, most of us felt that our parents lived in different worlds when we were teenagers.

In spite of this, teenagers need a place to look for guidance on what is or isn't acceptable in our community. Parents can be, and often are, that place. This is why it is important to be true to yourself and be clear about your own values and attitudes. You might doubt your ability to influence a teenager who spends most of their time with their friends or at school. However, home is still the place where teenagers form many of the attitudes and values that help them make decisions about their lives.

Successfully solving problems with your teenager means giving them the room to make mistakes in a supportive and loving environment. That doesn't mean that you have to tolerate behaviour that you find unacceptable. It does mean remembering to say that it's the behaviour, not them, that you don't like.

Problem solving

Start by asking yourself the following questions.

What's the problem?

Answering this question means working out how things really are, what you'd like to change, and what it is possible to change. One of the biggest pitfalls for parents of teenagers is confusing the symptoms of the problem with the problem itself.

Always ask yourself: is it my teenager's behaviour that is the problem, or is their behaviour a symptom of a deeper problem? If you think their behaviour is a symptom, try and list the possible causes or reasons for their behaviour. You might get ideas about these by talking to your teenager, other family members, teachers, or other parents. The old saying "treat the cause, not the symptom" can be applied to most problem situations.

Why is it a problem?

Is something a problem because:

• it's physically or emotionally dangerous
• it's illegal
• it's disrupting home life
• it's affecting school work
• it's unacceptable to your personal beliefs
• it challenges your view of your teenager as a child?

Working out why it's a problem will help you to decide what to do next. Sometimes, just the fact that a teenager's behaviour signifies that they're growing up can make a parent feel uncomfortable. We find ourselves saying, "Don't do that, it's bad for you," when what we mean is, "Don't do that, you're growing up too fast." It's really important to work out your real feelings about why something is a problem if you are going to communicate honestly with your teenager.

Who is it a problem for?

If your teenager is endangering their health, breaking the law, or their behaviour is unacceptable to you for other reasons, then it is your problem as well as theirs. You are responsible for their care. They are living in your home. If the problem affects other members of the household, then they will need to be involved in finding a solution.

Remember, our children are not us. Sometimes they will do harmless things that we would rather they didn't. Some of those things may be a problem for us, and not for them. It's a hard thing being a parent: on the one hand we are responsible for our children; on the other we have to allow them to grow - to become themselves.

Finding a solution

Once you've decided what the problem is, why it's a problem, and who it's a problem for, you can start working towards a solution.

Allowing teenagers to learn from their own mistakes and experiences is an important part of helping them grow. But they will still need your guidance and support in dealing with the results of their mistakes. Negotiating rules and penalties with teenagers is often better than making them up on your own. Many teenagers say they are more likely to stick to rules if they have a hand in making them.

Discussing and making rules is about saying, "You don't have permission to do this," without withdrawing your love and support. If your teenager is in trouble or embarrassed by or ashamed of their behaviour, they will need to be reminded of a few basics things:

• that you love them
• that you'd like to help them work out their problem
• that there are professionals who can help them (and you) with almost any problem.

Problem situations

1. Stealing

Some parents might discover their teenager has been stealing money or goods from home, from other relatives, from school, or from shops.

Possible causes

• Money - pocket money might not cover the cost of teenage accessories, clothes, records, haircuts, and outings, which are all expensive these days.
  
  
• Peer pressure - they might be being hassled by their friends to come up with money or goods
  
  
• Risk taking - it is common for teenagers to experiment with taking risks. Stealing from the home can be perceived as a "safe" form of risk taking.
  
  
• Attention getting - they might be trying to attract your attention for some reason.
  
  
• Drug use - stealing from the home or elsewhere can be a sign of needing money for drugs.

Why is it a problem?

Firstly, there is the important issue of trust within the family. Teenagers need to be made aware of the consequences of breaking other people's trust and need to recognise that stealing is not acceptable behaviour in our society. It is also a danger to them, because there are legal implications if they steal outside the home. If stealing is a symptom of an underlying problem, then that problem is prompting them to do something that is both dishonest and dangerous.

Who is it a problem for?

It is a problem for your teenager, the party being stolen from, you and your family, and the community at large.

Possible solutions

• Talk to your teenager and explain why you are concerned.
  
  
• Give them the space to respond. They might be feeling embarrassed or hurt and may cover this up with anger or defensiveness.
  
  
• Explain they will have to pay back whatever has been stolen, and explain why - learning about taking responsibility and facing consequences.
  
  
• Negotiate rules and penalties with your teenager in relation to stealing. Remember, when making rules it is O.K. to say that some things are totally unacceptable under any circumstances.
  
  
• Explain the rules and penalties to other home members and say they apply to all.
  
  
• If the cause was lack of money to meet their needs, support them in endeavours to make more. Perhaps they could do extra jobs around the home, or take a weekend or after school job.

2. School Trouble

This can range from your teenager losing interest in school work to your teenager being disciplined by school authorities for non-attendance or disruptive behaviour.

Possible causes

• Peer pressure
• Risk taking
• Learning difficulties
• Boredom
• Teacher-pupil personality clash
• Tension at home
• Drug use.

Why is it a problem?

Teenagers can't usually leave school until they are 15 years old. However, a special agreement can be reached between parents, the school principal, or the Education Department for a teenager to leave at 14 years and 9 months. If teenagers consistently wag school, they could be seen as being "in need of care" and face legal consequences. Future work or study plans could be affected if they run into legal problems, or leave school too early.

Who is it a problem for?

You, your teenager, the school, and the teacher/s concerned.

Possible solutions

• Talk to your teenager. What are their feelings about school? What interests them at school? Are there any difficult situations? It helps if you open these discussions in a relaxed way so that your teenager knows you are demonstrating concern, not authority.
  
  
• You could talk to your teenager's teachers, and find out if they have any clues about the cause of your teenager's behaviour. Sometimes teachers and their students have a personality clash. If this is the case, the solution will involve parents, teacher, teenager and school principal in working out a strategy.
  
  
• Your teenager might need extra help in certain subjects and the school will also be able to advise you about this.
  
  
• If your teenager is wagging school you must negotiate rules with them about school attendance and penalties for non-attendance. Explain to them why it is necessary that they attend school and what the implications are for both of you if they continue to wag.

3. Legal trouble

In the eyes of the law, parents are responsible for feeding, clothing, and otherwise caring for teenagers until they are 18 years old. However, there is not much the law can do if they are over 16 and run away, unless you can prove they don't have an income and a safe place to live. Early run-ins with the law often exacerbate behavioural problems. This is in direct contrast to the old myth that a run-in with the law will "give them a good scare," and prevent further problems. Many teenagers get stuck in a vicious cycle of breaking the law and getting into trouble. They may need lots of support to get out of that cycle.

Possible causes

• Risk taking
• Peer pressure
• Boredom
• Tension at home
• Tension at school
• Drug use.

Why is it a problem?

Trouble with the law can sometimes be a first indication for parents that all is not well with their teenager. It is then up to you to determine the cause.

Who is it a problem for?

You and your teenager, and the community.

Possible solutions

• Examine the situation at home and see if it's contributing to their behaviour.
  
  
• Educate your teenager about their legal status and the implications of their behaviour.
  
  
• Negotiate rules and penalties with your teenager.
  
  
• There might be a possibility of incorporating legal information into a personal development course at school. Talk to other parents and teachers about this possibility.
  
  
• A general rule for parents is to support young people when they are dealing with authorities. Sometimes teenagers don't want to worry their parents and give a false name if they are arrested. This could cause further complications for them. Parents can help teenagers a lot in dealing with the police and other legal officials.

4. Accidents

Teenagers are particularly prone to accidents with machinery or car and motorbike accidents. In many cases this is directly related to their inexperience and lack of skill in a particular activity. But there might be other contributing factors or causes.

Possible causes

• Risk taking (driving too fast)
• Lack of skill
• Inexperience
• Peer pressure
• Drug use.

Why is it a problem?

Danger to their health and safety; danger to other people's health and safety; damage to property; financial loss; legal problems following accidents.

Who is it a problem for?

You and your teenager; other people involved in the accident; other parents; other teenagers; the general public.

Possible solutions

• Make sure your teenagers are aware of the time it takes to become confident with new skills, like driving or operating machinery.
  
  
• Inform them about the risks involved in drinking or taking other drugs before driving or operating machinery. When negotiating rules, make it clear to them that drinking and driving is just not on.
  
  
• Arrange a parent pick-up service to drive teenagers home from social events such as concerts or parties where they might have been drinking. Organising such a group is also a good way to meet the parents of your teenager's friends.

Hopefully, if they are informed and you have negotiated clear rules and penalties, accidents will be prevented.

As in the case of stealing, they need to accept the consequences of their actions. They may need your help if the consequences are severe.

5. Behavioural

Some parents might be concerned that their teenagers are involved with undesirable friends, wearing outlandish clothes, and behaving in an unacceptable manner.

Possible causes

• Fashion - what might seem untidy, loud or dirty to you might also be a carefully constructed, quite expensive fashion. Pre-faded, pre-ripped jeans, coloured hair and piercing have all been quite normal and acceptable trends in teenage dressing recently.
  
  
• Experimentation - teenagers are in the process of working out what they like and what they don't. This can involve trying out how they feel with different groups of people, doing various activities.
  
  
• Rebellion - sometimes teenagers might pick their friends, their clothes or their activities because you don't approve. A normal way for teenagers to work out their own attitudes to things is to start by taking an opposite position to that held by their parents.
  
  
• Attention getting - they might be trying to get your attention for some reason.
  
  
• Your perceptions - you might be seeing things from a fairly strict point of view and not be allowing them the right to make their own decisions.
  
  
• Drug use - an abrupt change in friends can be a sign of drug use.

Why is it a problem?

You have a right to feel comfortable with their behaviour at home. It is not acceptable if teenagers disturb the lives of other home members by being consistently rude or thoughtless. But it is important to remember that adolescence is a difficult and demanding time for them and they are likely to be moody and irritate you on occasions.

Who is it a problem for?

Both you and other members of the household.

Possible solutions

• Communication is an important step in working out what the real cause is of your teenager's behaviour. Be prepared to listen to their point of view and accommodate it in working out a solution.
  
  
• Explain why their behaviour is unacceptable - for example that loud music affects everyone in the home and they might need to get headphones.
  
  
• Try and remember yourself as a teenager, how your parents felt about the way you dressed and the friends you had. This can help you to understand the way they're feeling.

Drug use

Any of the problems listed so far could be related to drug use, but are there other causes?

You might discover your teenager is using drugs without there being any other obvious problems. They might tell you, or you might stumble across some evidence.

In the society we live in, most young people will come across drugs and drug using activities. Although it is difficult, we need to respond to the challenge that this poses for us. This means providing them with guidelines and rules that will minimise the risks of drug use. It also means helping to give them skills which will enable them to be independent and set limits for themselves.

What should I do if I discover they are using drugs?

• Don't panic - fear, anger, and other emotions are common reactions but try to wait until they pass before you decide what to do. Calling in the police can be a very drastic step. While they can be very sympathetic, police are duty bound to enforce the law and this could be a problem! The idea that a run-in with the law will "teach them a lesson" can backfire with tragic results.
  
  
• Don't blame yourself or others - trying to figure out whose fault it is will not help you deal with the situation.
  
  
• Don't avoid dealing with it. Most teenage drug use is experimental and chances are high that it won't develop into dependence. But teenagers still need your help in learning to deal with the consequences of their actions. Besides, they are sharing your house and need to learn to consider other people's feelings and opinions about drug use. Pretending that it doesn't exist won't make it go away and might put you and the rest of the household under more stress.
  
  
• Don't keep it hidden from the rest of the family or household. Other children are likely to know anyway. If you try to keep it hidden from another parent or partner you are denying yourself an avenue of support.
  
  
• Do inform yourself. There are so many different stories about drugs it is difficult to know what is real and what is just another "scare" tale. Many community health centres run information sessions for parents and some tertiary institutions run courses for parents. Printed information and audio visual resources are also available from different places.
  
  
• Suspend judgement until all the details are clear. Try to find out (by talking to your teenager, not interrogation) what drugs they are using, with whom, in what circumstances and how frequently.

What drugs do teenagers use?

When we think about drugs we often latch onto well-publicised, illegal drugs like cannabis, heroin, or cocaine. But legally available drugs like alcohol, nicotine, and some prescription drugs have the same potential for dependence or other drug-related problems.

Teenagers most often use the same drugs that are popular with adults. These are:

• Alcohol
• Tobacco
• Analgesics (headache tablets like aspirin, paracetamol etc.).

As well as being the most popular drugs, these three are also the first drugs that most teenagers experiment with.

The most frequently-used illegal drug by teenagers is cannabis (marijuana), but most teenagers who smoke cannabis say they smoke cigarettes first.

Teenagers use drugs for the same reasons that adults do - to relax, fit in socially, have fun, or to mask uncomfortable feelings.

Teenagers could come into contact with all of the following drugs:

• Nicotine (in tobacco)
• Alcohol (in wine, beer, spirits)
• Caffeine (in tea, coffee, chocolate, cola)
• Opioids (heroin, morphine, opium)
• Amphetamines (speed)
• Cocaine
• Cannabis (marijuana)
• Hallucinogens (LSD, psylocibin)
• Solvents (sniffing glue, petrol)
• Minor tranquillisers (like Serapax*, Valium*)
• Cough and cold remedies
• Sleeping pills (like Mogadon*, Rohypnol*)
• Diet pills
• Pain-killing tablets (aspirin, paracetamol)
• Others (ecstasy)

* Registered trade names.

Is anything you're doing causing a problem for them?

At some stage during this process, it is helpful to look at your own drug use and make sure you are not sending different messages to your teenager. Teenagers are very quick to pick up when parents are displaying double standards. Most people don't think of themselves as drug users but almost all of us are. Looking at your own drug use will also be a guide to what drugs teenagers will have easy access to in the home. Think about the drugs you or other members of the family use. Think about when you use these drugs and why. Do you ever have any problems connected with your own drug use?

When is drug use a problem?

Drugs are a problem when they cause problems.

1. Physical and emotional development

Adolescence is a time of great physical and emotional change. The younger the teenager, the more likely drug use will harm or disrupt their physical development. Teenagers are also learning important emotional lessons - about relationships with people and ways of coping with difficulties and stress. If teenagers develop patterns of dealing with emotional problems and everyday tensions through drug use they might experience problems coping with adult life.

2. Legal problems

Drug use can involve teenagers with the law in two ways. They could be arrested on a drug charge, or on a completely separate charge, such as assault, which is related to their drug use. Use of both legal and illegal drugs can cause legal problems. Sometimes a drug charge can be the first indication that a teenager needs help with their drug use.

3. Accidents

One of the biggest concerns for parents is that teenagers will hurt themselves with drug use. Most teenage deaths from drug use are related to using alcohol and driving.

Any substance and a lack of tolerance, in association with a range of new behaviours, can cause problems. Teenagers are often dealing with newly acquired skills, such as driving a car, as well as a lack of tolerance to a particular drug. They are also more likely to experiment with mixing different drugs. Teenage overdose happens most often when alcohol is mixed with other drugs like minor tranquillisers.

4. HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis B & C

The Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and Hepatitis B and C are associated with injecting drug use.

People are at risk of being infected with these diseases if they exchange body fluids. This can occur by sharing injecting equipment such as syringes, rinsing water, spoons, swabs, tourniquets etc. Syringes and other equipment can look clean but may still contain traces of blood.

Because of experimental nature of teenage drug use they are at risk of being in a social situation where they might be encouraged to share injecting equipment.

HIV and Hepatitis can also be passed on during sex with an infected person. Teenagers frequently experiment with sex, like they do with drugs and other adult activities. Sometimes drug use can make people irresponsible about practising safer sex methods, such as using a condom.

5. Sex

Teenagers are also vulnerable to having an unwanted sexual encounter when they are under the influence of drugs.

There are also a range of other sexually transmissible diseases that teenagers are at risk of catching.

6. Long term problems

Apart from these possible affects on health, long term health problems can begin with drug use in adolescence. Over 80% of drug-related deaths in Australia are attributed to tobacco use. Smoking marijuana for long periods of time also carries a heavy risk of developing lung cancer and long term heavy use of alcohol can lead to crippling brain, liver, and other organ damage.

7. Experimentation

Most drug use by teenagers is likely to be experimental. Experimental use is usually short term and motivated by curiosity. This is particularly the case with younger teenagers, but older teenagers (over 18) using drugs might still be experimenting. Experimentation with drugs does not always lead to dependence, but it can still cause problems. It is natural for teenagers to explore and push the boundaries, but it is while experimenting with drugs that teenagers need accurate information and guidance.

Why is it a problem?

When teenagers experiment with drugs it often causes more problems at home. Communication can break down between parents and teenagers and lead to resentment and distrust. It can also cause problems for your teenager because of the associated risks - their health and any legal consequences.

Who is it a problem for?

Both of you, and other home members if it has increased tension in the home.

8. Social or regular use

After experimenting with drugs some teenagers may start using them on a regular social basis. This might involve drinking alcohol at parties. It's basically up to you to work out whether they are capable of making mature decisions and setting themselves safe limits of consumption of legal drugs. They are less likely to be able to do this in the younger teenage years, but you will be the best judge of your teenager's maturity. It will also depend on the circumstances and people with whom they use the drug. It is likely that the goal of most parents is to lead teenagers into responsible social usage of legal drugs.

Possible causes

Social drug use, like drinking alcohol, may be seen as an adult activity. So for many teenagers drinking and smoking are a statement of their adulthood.

Also, they may have decided while experimenting that they like the effect of a particular drug.

Why is it a problem?

Social usage of legal drugs can cause health problems and the risk of accidents. Social usage can lead to trouble with the law in addition to other risks.

Who is it a problem for?

You and your teenager.

Possible solutions

• Communicate - honest communication is the best tool in helping your teenagers make decisions about drugs. It can take time to build up trust when talking about a new topic.
  
  
• Negotiate - work out rules for legal drug use with your teenager. Also establish penalties for breaking a rule and be prepared to enforce them. You might be concerned that they're going to mix drugs in certain combinations or drink and drive. Be specific about situations and behaviours when you are negotiating these rules with your teenager.
  
  
• Inform - if you are worried they are not fully informed about drugs, help them find information. They need to know the short and long-term effects of different drugs and the ways these can affect their future.
  
  
• Encourage - encourage them to be assertive and develop healthy ways to manage stress. There are lots of activities around for teenagers that don't involve the use of drugs.

9. Dependency (addiction)

In some cases teenagers can become dependent on drugs. This will only become obvious after a period of time. If many problem incidents have been reoccuring over a period of time, this could be a sign of dependence.

Other signs might be:

• frequent blackouts (memory loss)
• regular heavy drug use
• trouble with the law over drug use (including drink driving charges)
• lack of interest in activities not associated with drugs
• inability to study or hold a job

Dependence on a drug is usually a sign of deeper problems.

Why is it a problem?

Dependence on a drug means that drugs become central to a person's thoughts, emotions, and activities. A dependent person finds it very difficult to stop using their drug of choice and may experience withdrawal symptoms if they do stop. Dependence can cause many problems, particularly health, legal and social, in a person's life. It can also have a big impact on other household or family members.

Who is it a problem for?

If one family member is dependent on drugs it is likely to affect others. Sometimes people close to a depended person are so affect that they lose the ability to respond to the situation in a normal way. Concentrating on the dependent person can distract family members from the day-to-day needs of each other.

Dependence is a problem for the whole community - it strains our health and legal systems - and it costs us in both economic and personal terms.

Solutions

The best thing you can do is to get support for yourself and the rest of the family. Also, there are a number of treatments and avenues of support for the drug dependent person. By seeking help from outside the home for yourself and other family members you will also help your dependent teenager. Treatment is more likely to be successful if the whole family participates.

Safe drug use

After discussing all the risks involved in teenage drug use it might seem beside the point to discuss safe consumption. However, there might be parents who are asking, "What about one glass of wine with dinner once a week with the family?" or some other situation involving parental supervision.

It is difficult to know what is a "safe" limit for adolescent consumption of alcohol as it will vary with age and individual tolerance, but it will definitely be much lower for teenagers than it is for adults. There may be some advantage in parents modelling moderate, responsible use of alcohol with their teenagers, but whether teenagers need to drink it themselves for this to be effective is questionable.

It is easy to say there is no safe consumption of cigarettes. Studies point to the fact that teenagers who smoke cigarettes reach adult levels of tobacco consumption in an alarmingly short period of time. The risk of developing lung cancer is directly linked to the number of cigarettes smoked.

There is definitely no safe consumption of illegal drugs because while people many not necessarily be risking physical harm from using an illegal drug, they are always risking legal harm. Arguments about health risks aside, this is enough to make them dangerous for young people. It is up to every parent to decide what they consider safe and reasonable legal drug consumption and discuss this with their teenager.

Getting help

To work out the problem

When you need help in working out what the problem is it can be helpful to talk to a youth worker, school or community health centre counsellor, or a drug and alcohol counsellor.

To get help for yourself

If you feel that you cannot cope with the situation, you need to seek help for yourself. This will also help your teenager. For help in resolving non-drug related problems, contact your community health centre, tell them about the situation, and find out what your options are. You might choose to have individual counselling or there might be a Parent Support Group running in your neighbourhood or you might like to set one up.

If it is a drug situation there are self-help groups for relatives and friends of drug dependent people - Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. These self-help groups are throughout the world. The best way of finding them is to look up Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous in your local phone book. They will be able to tell you where the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting is. There are no fees to pay, the programs are entirely anonymous, and they exist only to provide support. If you have other teenage children in the family they can attend Al-teen or Nar-ateen if these groups are available in your area.

To get help for them

If you have talked to your teenager and they have admitted a problem and asked for help the next step if or them to attend assessment and referral. A drug and alcohol counsellor will assess your teenagers drug use and refer them to treatment if this is necessary. The counsellor might suggest that the whole family participate in counselling sessions.

Further Information

For family drug support in Australia, phone the Family Drug Support hotline on 1300 368 186 (available 24 hours a day).

Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS) is a 24 hour confidential telephone counselling service. Phone (02) 9361 8000 or toll free: 1800 422 599